Life without parents- Coping with a harsh reality
Whether I’m willing to accept it or not, cancer has influenced my life for more than eight years. My mom was determined not to let the disease own her but let’s face it, we’re human. In the back of my mind, it was always there. I was unable to look at dream jobs in faraway cities with the heart to purse them and a fear of committing to extended periods of travel just in case something was to go wrong back at home. I’ll preface it by saying that my mom was the first person to push me to take a job and follow my dreams but I couldn’t. My decisions were always clouded by the fear of missing time with her knowing that our days were numbered. I guess life is like that for everyone but cancer makes it seem much more real.
After she died, I went away for 10 days to escape reality and catch my breath for a minute. I focused on eating healthy, getting back on a regular fitness schedule and thinking about what I wanted to get out of life in the next chapter- the one without the support and guidance of my parents. The truth is, I’m terrified. Keeping busy is great but the minute I’m alone or stop to take a breath, reality hits and it’s ugly.
The first time I had a full-blown meltdown was a week after she died when I packed up all my belongings and moved back to the city. I got to the door of my condo and burst into tears; the first call I always made when I got home was to check-in and tell her I had made it safely. I picked up my phone to call and it hit me that no one would be on the other end to answer. All of those “I’m ok moments” when I travel or have news of success at work, those are things of the past. I don’t have my person anymore and I need her.
A little piece of her...
Since her diagnosis in 2008, our focus shifted significantly towards spending money on experiences instead of material things, the opportunity to make memories together. But last year I went a different route, giving my mom and sister a birthday gift that turned out to be even more special than I’d hoped. A few months earlier I had complimented a friend on her necklace at a party and as promised, she sent me the information for the company she had ordered it from. I nearly fell down when I read that GLDN was based in La Conner, Washington. What are the odds?! The backstory is that a few weeks earlier, my boyfriend at the time had taken me on a road trip for a romantic dinner in a small town. Population of only 936 and two hours south of Vancouver, it was a special place his dad used to take his mom on dates years ago. We spent the night exploring the town and had an amazing dinner on the water. That beautiful little town was La Conner, Washington. Crazy, right?!
I placed an order for three matching necklaces which have the coordinates of our house in Collingwood engraved on them to represent home. Something to cherish when travelling or living in different cities, a necklace that meant we “the Pettersen girls” would always be carrying a piece of home. I smile when I spend time with my sister and see her wearing it. It’s so perfect and looked just as beautiful on my mom who wore it until her skin was too sensitive for jewelery. Even then, it looked stunning on her. Now I keep it in a box on my dresser and often hold it in my hand when I’m having an “I miss my mom moment.” That little piece of home is now a piece of her and her love that I’ll cherish forever.
A stronger bond...
I’ve learned a lot these past few months and one person I’m so grateful for is my sister. I am blown away by her courage, strength and poise. She has become an incredible woman and when she co-emceed my mom’s Celebration of Life, I was so darn proud. While speaking at a parent’s funeral is by no means easy, I get paid to speak for a living. As a marketing professional, she doesn’t and she did a remarkable job. I am SO proud of her. She was nervous as we sat writing our speeches together and the night before as we practiced out loud, she questioned whether or not she could actually go through with it. She was scared she wouldn’t be able to keep it together or would stumble over her words in front of a large crowd. But when it came time to take the stage, she owned it! She spoke eloquently and shared some amazing stories with everyone in the audience. Mom was definitely beaming from upstairs. My little “Ali Bear” is a beautiful woman who continues to inspire me- I guess this means we’re officially “adulting.”
We’ve become so close which I suppose is the silver lining through all of this. Life was rocky for us after my dad died; three girls living together for the first time without our dad to diffuse tension, squash the drama and help us through tough situations. My mom always reminded us that when she was gone we’d only have each other so we needed to work on our relationship. But the truth is, it hasn’t needed much work. Of course, we have little disagreements here and there but at the end of the day we’re partners in crime and we’re in it together. My little sister has grown up to become a smart, funny, talented and strong woman. I wouldn’t want to be facing this nightmare with anyone else.
The harsh reality...
And speaking of nightmares, I recently did some research on what causes them and why we have them. Turns out they’re caused by stress and anxiety. Where do I check the box for all of the above? They started about a week after the Celebration of Life. I suppose that’s when the loss of my mom had finally sunk in and became real. I can’t get rid of them. Vivid images of being in a dark alley, looking for my parents, screaming, crying, but they aren’t there. I can’t reach them. I can’t find them. I wake up in tears, in a panic, confused and upset. It’s horrible. I’ve been trying to exhaust myself during the day in hopes that it will help me through the night but it hasn’t worked yet. I’m hoping that slowly they’ll go away as we cross things off our to-do list but for now these nightmares are the gift that keeps on giving. I barely sleep.
I don’t have a logical explanation for why or what has caused it but the past month has been harder than the two before. I find myself feeling easily overwhelmed and more often than not, I feel sad. Missing my parents, wishing I could pick up the phone and call one of them just for a minute. A quick chat, a 'hello,' an 'I love you,' anything, just to hear their voices one more time. As I sort through all of my emotions, I feel thankful for what I did have. A strong foundation, childhood full of love and parents who taught me everything they could in their short time with us. I recently read a quote posted by a friend whose strength through her own adversity inspires me. I will continue to remind myself of it when I’m having a tough day and my hope is that after reading this, maybe it can help you too…
“Just because today wasn’t a win doesn’t mean it was a waste.”
- Kate